one lie tells a thousand stories...

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im sitting here, dripping wet and shaking, just had a huge b/p session and im not even sure what triggered it...not eating all day? being alone in the apartment? either way i suck, im so incredibly mad and disappointed with myself, dad gets here in2days and im f***ing huge i swear, if only i could just rip it off,honestly i just grab my sides and want to tear the flesh and fat off....*sigh* i swear im going a bit crazy, woke up in a panic that i was gonna gain majorly now that my flatmates are home for christmas so i ran to the kitchen and put bleach over all my food in the fridge and cupboard...but didnt wanna throw it out incase they ask why there's no food left or think i ate it all...not sure which would be worse, truth or the presumption?!
yuck yuck yuck, so now i guess im just hoping to mini detox before dad arrives, got this 3day diet which says am,hot water&lemon,1/2 grapefruit,lunch-as fresh as possible salad,dinner-broth,basically onion,cauliflower and celery boiled up and then strained...drink liquid,what do y'all think detox or fast for optimum short term results whilst i try to plan the long term in this odd head of mine,i suddenly started thinking that maybe i dont wanna go home for christmas and i should break up with the bf so that i can be alone,ah self destructive perhaps?!!!whats wrong with me?!
sorry for the rant, away to put on my happy face and get dressed,hide the sin, hide the guilt,hide myself*thinking thin,ahh,and still keeping the hope alive*

hey all, just back from a christmas service which was lovely but made me wanna cry?! not sure what that's all about but i had some sobbing before i left anyway so i figure maybe im just emotional...?
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ahh, and of course none of that is ed related(so cant tell him EVER), my bad chicas-to the important stuff...(irony?!)
did well the last few days, ate a few more dates than i should've yesterday but they've got a specific quality so it should be ok... yuck!today, was feeling really non-hungered and got to 7pm with only1/2 grapefruit and mini corn on cob...was so faint during service, especially when singing but i *love* the dizziness and am worried about Dad's arrival Thurs(he dislikes fat people, dont ask!)so i'm gonna harness the feeling and fact that im strictly speaking finished with college for 2004 and so dont require as much energy=food=fasting til thurs

gonna need major support tho come day2and3but thats why we have each other! good luck to myself and of course y'all, my shining stars in this darkness...it only takes one light to show you the way...

*hope doesnt come from outside, its something internal, deep and in the mind....the voice that is not concerned with the present but lies in tomorrow, in the future and all of its potential beauty*

hey, its been a week or so since i posted, still been reading and commenting but not really felt like i had much to say...thins are going ok but sometimes i look in the mirror and cant decide if ive lost because the fat spots arent so obvious or if they've all joined together to make one large fat coat that i cant focus on but instead get swallowed by the lard?!!!!!!!!!
been staying away from starch and carbs and trying to stay under 500 on "good" foods, today had hot water with lemon am, venti americano lunch, steamed (by myself, never agin in a restaurant, thanks to shape.com!!!) carrots and cauliflower and some dates there to stop sugar cravings for the shitloads of chocolate and crap that my room mates have in their food cupboards!!!
dad arrives next week and last time i saw him i was...110? god knows what i am now but thanks to him, my mum and family i gained at least 10lbs in recovery, yuck yuck yuck so now im just playing the, eating well game and have tiny portions cause "ive been eating all day" hopefully he wont be too disappointed in my fatness, i'll lose it...im trying, i promise********

just like to say hey to the wave of new members that are appearing with each passing day and i hope that you come to embrace the community as a kinda extended circle of friends - i can say that im starting to :) you guys are the greatest! back to the books, studying sucks bootays!!!!
*thinking, and dreaming thin*

just dyed my hair brown!!!!!!!!!!!!!kind of a goodbye to blondy fatty me!!!
well-i say that but had a mini binge on rice cakes but consoling myself with the fact that tey're low cal and fat and that before it i'd only had one egg white(17kcal) and half of a small tomato (10kcal) so even with the rice cakes i'm pushing 400kcal max which was my aim for this week,actually, woohoo, thats just made me cheery! going home tomorrow, but they all think im still vegan(treid it for a month, not that i eat much dairy etc anyway, but guess the constant knowing that i couldnt have so many things made me want them more = hideous bingefest so stopped all that, BUT point was that i now cant have most things cos they think i'm still vegan so no worries on food front.
no idea what to think about the funeral, thinking that i'll just say very little cos as u can tell im a rambler and i'll end up saying something that i dont really mean or isnt helpful!
the boy...is now my boyfriend!yay! just need to hide this from yet another person, although A seemed to think this was normal girl behaviour so maybe he'll be the same?!
anyway, thats a quick me update ladies, ciao bellas and *nothing (NB,not even rice cakes...grr)tastes as GREAT as thin feels!!!! * good luck beauties.x

Howdy all, today ive unwittingly started a fast...was throwing up last night and had such a sore head that ive just said to ppl i'd rather not eat thsn feel like that again...bleuch
On a cheerier note things with the boy are still good but seriously thinking that he doesnt see me as girlfriend material?! otherwise-why all the hesitation?!
I hope that you are all*staying strong and thinking thin* and best wishes for my fast!x x

my friend's mum died last night/early hours of the a.m.............so tragic, cancer and she's in her early40s, only had it3months :( anyway for some reason can't cry must binge was stuck in my head, couldn't shake it, tried cooking for others, watching a movie but inevitably ate...not as much as a "normal" binge for me would be but cereal and a piece of toast, always the carb i crave, damn! feeling so sick now though and like my tummy knows it shouldnt've had them...thought about starting a fast now but wouldn't my body just grab onto the shit from last night and not let go and hey, it carries the risk of breaking it with a binge so have my sensible hat on and thinking lax to clea it out and then resume plan as worked out for the next 5 weeks.
take care my lovelies, *thinking thin* hugs, shrinking violet

Myth #3: The United States invented Thanksgiving
No country does gluttony quite like the United States. The Calorie Control Council, an industry group, says that Americans consume as much as 4,500 calories on Thanksgiving, as much as twice what the FDA recommends for an entire day. That said, humans have been holding harvest festivals for ages. We may wish we invented Thanksgiving, but we didn't


4,500 yuck yuck yuck.....don't go there my friends just remember IT'S NEVER WORTH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hello all, been doing ok today 375 kcal, actually had the bravery to go shopping which always ends in tears but not so today...i tried on the size i thought i had ballooned to but they were miles too big!!!!!!!!!!!!!yay! went to starbucks for reflection and to write a sympathy card for my friend-had a venti americano so felt lightheaded from all that caffeine when i was shopping...i must've looked so spaced out!
really not felt like bingeing this week,trying to keep myself occupied with other stuff and my tummy's growls remind me that this is working-that one day in the not too distant future i'll wake up smaller and then smaller and then smaller and just knowing that makes me smile :)
cant wait to see my dad again, i just hope that he doesn't comment on my weight like he did in the summer because they made me gain and now im starting to lose again but i'll be bigger than when he last saw me and if he says anything i know i'll just break into tears... so funny how the truth's acceptable and you can cope with it until you hear those words on someone else's lips.
ahh the caffeine must still be here because im feeling all pensive and dreamy! gonna go for a walk, they just lit the city lights and there are fireworks, so i get to admire the beauty of my surroundings whilst burning a few extra calories!
wishing you all the luck in the world my beauties and hey...post more! hehe *thinking thin thoughts for Christmas and beyond* shrinking violet.x

360kcals yest, according to my food plan for today it'll be a 290 day today :) was in work yest and i prepare the desserts :S i know so awful, but kinda immunises u against them?! anyway, this girl i work with who's slightly overweight-she carries it well tho suggests that we share a piece of cake and i laughed and said no thanks, im trying to stay away from food like that(white lie cause in truth staying away from pretty much all food!) and she says why? "it's not good for you, plus i'm gonna lose a bit for Christmas" and she's all "you don't think you're fat do you?!!!!!" "turn around, i wouldn't ever say you were....blah blah blah, " at which point i just said yeah but i am fat-major slip up i know but now she's staring at me all the time and our boss put us on lunch together...grr but hey, doubt it'll go further.
The boy's also gettin curious/worried as he puts it, keps sayin, so what was for dinner and being the worst liar i straight away say nothing, why? well...wasnt hungry...hmm he says eat something!
ahh, just piss off, they're all wonderful but i dont monitor what they eat i mean if i commented on anything they put into their mouths they'd soon be complaining, whose business is it anyway?!
anyway, productive day ahead so less food thinking, more study *fingers crossed* weid fact...my flatmates havent noticed that i havent eaten dinner all week, nor that there's a calorie guide book/food plan and weight loss calendar in my cupboard!haha talk about paranoia being silly, they dont even care!
good luck to each and every one of you, i'll be thinking of you this Thanksgiving day and being thankful for your beauty, strength and for having someone to share my struggle with. :) *shrinking violet*

320 kcals, not bad going :) feelin surprisingly energetic! everyone's been asking why im not eating dinner...just said that ive been getting pains from eating too late and that i was going to try to be really healthy as part of my new year's resolution and had read that eating late was bad for your digestive system. all nothing much to do with my motives but hey, if it makes me happy it cant be that bad?!!!
the boy's still so good, but going to this party with him on the 23rd of Dec will so motivate me to lose this hideous fat and look like something he might possibly want to be seen with!

i hope that you are all wonderful and if you're not, get a good sleep and wake up happy and motivatd that tomorrow, no matter how much ypou weigh, its all progress from there on and it'll be your fattest day! :) *hugs* take care, thinking thin and dreaming it too, *shrinking violet*

i LOVE secret_kate's entries, sorry to gush but seriously, wow!
made progress, have put a calendar of the next5weeks til my target on the inside door of my food cupboard and then a list of my allowance for each day...so if i even think of reaching for food-there it is! was going to put mary kate or a model up there too but my flatmates might think im weird!well, even moreso!

ah, the boy's so good, too good...let me be good for him too AND thin and pretty enough for him to be proud of :) going to a christmas party with him...time enough to look decent in a dress i hope!

my best wishes for you ladies, a sprinkling of thinspiring dust and a dash of will power and you're set...

* DON'T give up on what you want M O S T
for what you want at the moment *

hola girlies (and gents...i have to say that you guys are a welcome addition :) glad to see that we haven't alienated the opposite sex in out illness )

weird question for y'all but how many of you are called Amanda? its just that that's my name and i keep seeing posts by Amandas and started to ponder!hehe yep, my randomness has finally surpassed even my expectations!
well done so far, all doing great! *hugs* another Amanda! x x x

hey hey hey ladies and gents,
my first day on zantex3 and i have to say wow, i had one bowl of low cal veg soup and that was all and so so so much energy it was crazy, starting to get really tired now though but i only took it once and you can up to three times but i'd be incredibly hyper if i did that! no appetite, weird pins and needles effect though but that might just've been me?! anyway, all good today and lots of water to wash it down with....oh and a new male interest so its all good in hollywood (ahh, im such a geek, ignore all random rhyme!) mum's coming to visit tomorrow, think she'll moan at how gross i look but hey, nothing i havent heard a million times before-im either too fat or too thin, can never win and as she says "you cant possibly think you're attractive" well not now, no!
anyway,i hope you're all fantastic and holding on, stay strong and things will only get better and just remember

*don't give up on what you want MOST for what you want at the moment*

hugs, shrinking violet x

ok so i had a dreadful b/p day...found out an old friend died and in shock hit the bagels.... :s thing is, i just took 20lax-ive only ever taken as many as 10 and even then i was in pain with the effects but i was crying when i tok them and gulping down handfuls with my bedside litre of water........work tomorrow at 8 aswell, god im gonna be useless to them, so long as i dont gain i dont care though, fingers (and legs!!!!) crossed sorry, crude but true! please please please ana i promise i'l be good, i wont leave you again, they cant turn me against you, they've tried and ive come back, and im here to stay :) saw ics of me before summer today, still not as tiny as i want to be but better than i am now, and hopefully where i'll be back to again before long........ positive thinking!
ahh, wish me luck, im scared! buenas noches, *stay strong*

had the shittiest weekend foodwise, ive been b/p ing like i never stopped...like i never got away from mia and to ana, i hate my mum for making me start all over again, i know i cant blame everything on her but just when i was beginning to be thin and happier at least not with life but with how i looked she comes and ruins it all, i wont let her...im away from her now and im in control, she cant do anything! (excuse the rant!)
anyway, my friend pipes up "you're so cute and cuddly" tonight, i swear i nearly broke into floods of tears right there and then, wtf, couldn't she just've yelled ur fat, fat, fat, fat, fat!!!!!!!!!!! ahhh, i hate this, im so emotionally constipated lately and i think that b/p has been my outlet for all the crap thats going on in my head,but hey.....im so not eating for at least three days now that she's said that, screw her....screw them all,they dont know and they dont care, im not gonna feel like shit just so that they can be so condescending and pat "cute and cuddly" me on the head, f*** them!

my diet pills arrive tomorrow and im spending this weeks food budget on lax and coffee and green tea-this isnt happening, im not spiralling into some fat abyss where i become someone with even lower self esteem than ive always had but with an extra million lbs attached.......not me, not i, no way.

we'll see what miss "cute and cuddly" says when she sees me wasting away again, while they sit and watch movies with chocolate cake, candy and toffee popcorn....chew away my friends, chew chew chew...........just dont expect me to pollute myself with that shit........i wont do it, not now.....

im glad you're all doing well my dears, and for those of you who arent-we can do this, nothing *nothing* no matter what they tell you, no matter what they promise, no matter how they beg....... NOTHING tastes as good as thin feels. :) :) :) i'll keep reading and update soon enough, buenas noches. *shrinking violet*

hey my lovelies, i hope that you're all wonderful :) ***
can't say im quite so fantastic though....ex wants to meet up and ive gained shitloads since recovery and recent mia bingeing,its so screwed up that i dont even want strangers to see me, nevermind the one guy i want to think im beautiful!!! so im going for drastic measures...fasting and diet pills...just had a look but i cant choose between xenedrine?nrg? or zantrex, at least i think thats what they're called, god i sound clueless and much in need of ur help ladies, any experience/comments that u have please send them my way..........mwah mwah mwah! *shrinking violet*

nb in uk so cant get all the us ones ... :s

ah my ladies (and gents) so good to see you are all still here winning your individual battles, its never easy i know but there are moments of joy which make it worth the while. To cut a long story short my absence went well from an ana perspective...i got thinner (more depressed too but hey :) ) and was away from hawk eyes all summer until i got back and was promptly dragged kicking and screaming from my beloved ana and into "recovery" mode which is where ive been gaining-despite the occassional purge where possible- for the past month. but alas i am back at school this week and so need to kick start phase2, any ideas/help/support from you all would be so much appreciated as im not feelin tres positive having had my first period in nearly a year today...dont think ive cried that much in quite some time, i need to get back to where i was, and then take it from there and i cant do it on my own right now. looking forward to hearing from you, take care and stay strong, yours truly,*shrinking violet* x x x

hey, so to cut a very long and not so cheery tale short i did really well/got super thin but tres depressed :( over summer in spain but then my family dragged me from ana kicking and screaming and ive been in"recovery" (watched and force fed like a p i g) mode for about a month and have gained hugely despite purging where possible...back at school now and need some help to kick start phase2...i got my period back today after 10months without it, dont think ive cried that hard for a long time, any advice/suggestions would be much appreciated m'dears....love and kisses as always, stay strong. yours truly, *shrinking violet* x x x

hey, so to cut a very long and not so cheery tale short i did really well/got super thin but tres depressed :( over summer in spain but then my family dragged me from ana kicking and screaming and ive been in"recovery" (watched and force fed like a p i g) mode for about a month and have gained hugely despite purging where possible...back at school now and need some help to kick start phase2...i got my period back today after 10months without it, dont think ive cried that hard for a long time, any advice/suggestions would be much appreciated m'dears....love and kisses as always, stay strong. yours truly, *shrinking violet* x x x